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January 29 2012
“ The big print giveth and the small print taketh away. ”— joshualongbrake
January 27 2012
“ “At first I did not know it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.” ”— blankenship
“ Hey @WheatThins, why haven't you gotten Loverboy to record "Everybody's Workin' For The Wheat Thins" as a commercial yet? ”— jakefogelnest
January 25 2012
“ If Obama sings a few verses of the Fleet Foxes tonight he could totally lock in the barista vote. ”— matthewbaldwin
January 24 2012
“ Romney is paying nearly 15% in taxes. I can't trust someone to be president when they're missing all these loopholes. ”— davepell
January 22 2012
“ My mouth is drunk. ”— krista_jahnke
January 18 2012
“ "Look who's laughing now, bitches." —Encarta 95 CD-ROM ”— fchimero
January 17 2012
“ Thinking of getting into the leg-breaking business, so I can profitably sell crutches later. ”— NoReservations
January 14 2012
“ Idea for a Dr. Seuss-themed to-do manager: call it Thing One & Thing Two. #hangingwithkids ”— khoi
January 13 2012
January 07 2012
“ The problem with “NSFW” is the assumption that you’re at work. How about “PFMT” (Perfect For Masturbating To)? A new POSITIVE standard! ”— Mike_FTW
January 05 2012
“ And you thought YOU had a good job... http://t.co/JEM8oxYC ”— YoungJerks
January 03 2012
“ WHO WILL IOWA GIVE A ROSE TO?! TUNE IN TO TONIGHT'S EXCITING EPISODE OF WHITE PEOPLE SPOUTING HEINOUS BULLSHIT. ”— MikeDrucker
December 30 2011
“ The worst thing about Katy Perry's divorce is that she'll probably sing a song about it. ”— AaronMFlynn
December 22 2011
“ Photoshop users: Use Cmd+Opt+Z to step backwards in your history. FAR better than Cmd+Z! Thanks to @mattdsmth for that tip! #alwayslearning ”— philcoffman
“ I wish they still had places where you could sell your hair in order to buy Christmas presents. ”— acupoftea
December 21 2011
“ Someone just tried to convince me that Jim Henson didn't create David Archuleta. ”— dooce
December 19 2011
“ I really hope Kim Jong-Il didn't have me in the Secret Santa. ”— sween
December 18 2011
“ Taxi driver on the holidays "I celebrate everything. I believe in everything and everyone." Yes. ”— bobulate
“ Sorry kid, I should have been there for your mom & her cancer. I've just been really busy lately helping a guy win football games. - God ”— shovloves
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